A hand to hold onto in the dark
by Lex55
Summary: Buffy finds a new role to play while riding on the school bus late one night.


**Title: A hand to hold onto in the dark.  
Author: Lexie Rating: PG (nothing to bad here)  
Summery: Buffy finds a new role to play while riding on the school bus late one night. Disclaimer: I do not own anything from BtVS, it's all owned by JW, ME and Fox. I'm just borrowing their slightly tattered and abused toys and fixing them up a little for my own liking.  
Author's note: This is a one shot for now. I just needed a little fic to remind me why I liked BX and their friendship so much. I wrote this all in one night and I'm sure you'll be able to tell that once reading, but I thought I would force it on you guys anyways.**

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A hand to hold onto in the dark.

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Buffy stretched her hand out and turned it over as she stared at in wonder. Sometimes she could still feel another hand pressed against hers. Feel the heat radiating from the flames that engulfed them.

She didn't know why her thoughts kept drifting back to her last moments with Spike.  
She wondered if she should have stayed with him and finally let Sunnydale take her down. It would have been so easy to throw in the towel and embrace death once more. But then she pictured her little sister and her friends. Her family. She realized she had too much life to live to just give in now. That's when she looked at Spike one last time and he knew too. He told her to go and she did. She never ran so hard in her life. She left the vampire to die alone as the town crumbled below her feet. Before she left him though she tried to give him something to cherish while he was slipping away but as always he saw right through her and knew she was lying when she told him she loved him. He was always good at seeing through the bullshit, even in death.

The bus hit a pothole and jarred Buffy from her thoughts. She closed her hand and let it drop to her lap. She looked out her window into the dark abyss as the school bus rolled down the highway. It was eleven o'clock at night and they were still driving. They had been on the go since they left Sunnydale three and a half weeks ago. It seemed like a lifetime since her hometown disappeared into the earth to never to be seen again. They had been busy since they left home behind. The first week they spent in Cleveland scoping out the new and improved Hellmouth. Faith and Robin stayed behind to get a handle on the situation as the rest of them went on looking for other new slayers. Giles came up with a plan to search for as many newbie slayers in the states as they could and then they would go back to England and rebuild the council.

Buffy felt uneasy though. She wasn't sure if she was ready to jump back into things so soon. She was still tired from Sunnydale. She was ready for a break. She figured she deserved it.

She sighed and shook her head to clear it. The only thing she could hear was the rumble of the bus as it sped down the highway and the murmur of Andrew and some girls as they chatted to each other a few rows ahead of her. Buffy wondered briefly what nonsense Andrew was filling the girls heads with but decided she didn't care enough anymore to find out.

Looking around, she could see Willow and Kennedy leaning on each other as they slept in the seats across from her. The bus was mostly in shadows but the moon was bright enough for Buffy to see that most were trying to sleep as best as possible despite riding in a cramped school bus. Sleeping in such close quarters was a knack they all had to acquire over the short period of time.

Giles was at the wheel and Dawn was sitting in the front row. She was assigned to passenger duty and that entitled her to talk to him and make sure he didn't fall asleep at the wheel. She saw Giles smile at something Dawn was quietly saying but she was too far away to make out what her little sister was saying. For a moment she thought about going up and joining them since it seemed like sleep was once more avoiding her for the night but then discarded the idea just as quickly and decided she would enjoy her time to herself instead.

Turning back to look out of her window again, Buffy noticed how the lights of the bus cast a strange glow on the trees as they whizzed by. She leaned her head on the cool windowpane to her right and was preparing to get lost in her thoughts again when something ahead of her caught her attention.

Andrew had mentioned Xander's name and she strained with her slayer hearing to hear more.

"Yeah the poor lug must be devastated." Andrew whispered to the girls in the row a head of him. "No one else can tell but I can."

"How? He seems fine to me. Witty comment here, sarcastic comment there, seems pretty Xander-like to me," Vi whispered back to the nerd.

"Nope it's all in the eyes…Uh… eye I should say." Andrew continued regretfully. "Anyway, think about it. He lost the most out of all of us. He lost the love of his life, his career, the town he grew up in, and even his own eye. He pretty much lost everything. But do you think he has utter one little peep about all his losses? Nope, no siree. That's not Xander's style."

"What's Xander's style?" asked Shelly the newest slayer on board.

"The quiet background hero," Andrew whispered knowledgeably. "You never really get to see him. He keeps his weaknesses as hidden as his strengths. He's the unsung hero of the bunch. When he thinks no one is looking I see his pain. I just feel for the guy so much."

By this time Buffy had lifted her head from her resting spot on the cool window. She looked down as the realization washed over her. Her friend had lost a lot. She already knew this. She just tried not to think about how that affected him. She felt guilty for that.

She looked around for her best friend and found him sitting alone towards the back. He was staring blankly out the window. It looked like she wasn't the only one who sleep was holding out on. For the first time Buffy really looked at Xander and saw the tiredness standing out on his face. A wave of sadness rolled through Buffy as she watched her friend.

Buffy slowly slid out of her seat and quietly made her way to the back of the bus. She didn't even realize what she was doing until she was by his seat. She looked down at him as he kept staring intently out the window.

Without saying anything she sat down beside him. He never looked away from the window but Buffy knew that he noticed her presence there. Neither said anything for a long while as the bus rolled on into the dark of night.

Buffy wasn't sure what to say to him. She had never really been in this situation with him before. She was used to the tables being turned. He was much better at the comfort thing than she would ever be. She didn't even know where to start.

"I didn't tell them to get out." Xander announced quietly.

Buffy stilled herself from jumping at the sudden break of silence. "Who?" she asked, confused.

"My parents," Xander said simply.

At first, Buffy was confused but then realization sucker-punched her. "Oh."

She didn't know what else to say. She wasn't any good at this. She should have sent Willow or Dawn over here to do this. Hell, even Andrew would have been better than her.

"Xan, I'm sure they got out. A lot of people were packing up and heading for the hills those last few days. It's like people finally got a clue on the Sunnydale weirdness factor and hightailed it out of dodge."

Silence fell between them. For a moment Buffy wondered if he had even heard her. He was still staring out the window, like he was when she first noticed him.

"My parents were pretty stubborn. I know them and I know they would be pretty hard-headed about ever leaving home, even if it was for their own good. I knew that and I still didn't even try."

"It still doesn't mean that they're…" Buffy paused and tried avoiding using the word dead. "It doesn't mean they stayed."

"I thought about calling them now but then I realized there was nothing left to call. They didn't have cell phones or anything like that so there's no way of getting in contact with them now even if they did get out."

"We can get Willow to do a detection spell and find them." Buffy said hopefully.

Xander took a moment to think about that but then lifted his head, looked at her and said, "I don't think I need a detection spell to know the truth, Buff."

Buffy saw the sadness in his one good eye, just like the wave of sadness that washed through her.

"What do you think will happen after we get to England?" Xander asked after another long period of silence.

"I don't know. Giles keeps talking about rebuilding the watcher's council into a new international conglomerate. He wants to find the newbie slayers all over the world."

"What do you think will happen to us?" he whispered.

Buffy took a moment to really think but just decided on a shrug. "What do you think?"

"We'll do the same ole same ole. Kick ass and save the world a lot. Or at least you probably will. I'll probably do more of the getting my ass kicked and stand around and watch you save the world a lot."

Buffy smiled sadly at him. "Hmm I don't know. I think you save the world a lot too. Besides I was thinking of taking a time out."

"Time out? We're allowed those? Somebody forgot to send me the slayer memo again."

"No, no memo this time. Just me thinking about taking a break. Maybe do some shopping, take a vacation, do the tourist-y thing, you know? I've never done the tourist-y thing."

"Sounds nice."

"You could go with me, you know. We could tag team the world." She said optimistically.

Xander looked down at Buffy with a small smile. "Do you think the world is ready for our tag team duo?"

Buffy just smiled back. She let silence fall again. After a while she continued.

"I miss her too, Xan." Buffy felt Xander tense up beside her. She heard his breathe catch in his throat and she knew she had hit a nerve. "I know I don't really show it, or that I ever really showed it much towards her back in Sunnydale. But I do. She was… well she was Anya," she finished softly.

She watched him beside her and watched him as he closed down his emotions. He appeared to have become mesmerized by the darkness outside once more. She knew the act because she was the one who had perfected this avoidance spill. She decided to not allow him to do this to himself.

"Mostly, I miss her for you."

He continued to stare out the window.

"I'm worried about you Xander. I know what you're going through. I don't want you to shut down on us because…"

She didn't get to finish her sentence before Xander had snapped his head around and glared at her angrily.

"You get a clue and now you're suddenly worried about me, Buff? Please spare me the sentimental crap. You don't know what I'm going through."

"Xand, what do you think I went through with Angel?" Buffy tried to reason.

"He came back Buffy. You lost him for a couple of months but then he came back good as new. That's not going to happen for me. For me it's forever. Anya isn't just in another town walking, talking, and living her own life. She's…" his voiced cracked and he couldn't finish the sentence. He looked down and tried to reign in his emotions.

Buffy watched him for a few seconds and realized he was pushing back his emotions once more. She realized that he wasn't necessarily angry with her but mostly just getting things off his chest. But now he was holding himself back again. She could see the pain just below the surface. Unshed tears waiting to break through.

"It's okay to let it go Xand," Buffy whispered to him. "I know it's the hardest thing to do but it's okay."

"It hurts," he replied gruffly.

"I know it hurts. It always hurts at first. But it'll be okay. It's just us," she reasoned.

"No, I mean, it hurts." She looked at him confused. "My eye. The tear duct was damaged and now it literally hurts to 'let it go'"

"Oh," Buffy huffed. She opened her mouth to say something but then closed it, waited a moment and then finally added, "I don't know what to say to that."

Xander looked up and over at Buffy and snorted. "Wow Buff, you'd make a fine sidekick with all your knowing words of support." He teased.

"Hey I resent that. The tables are turned on me and I'm all new at this supporto-girl thing!"

Xander just smiled at her sadly and shook his head. He turned to face the front again.

"But I am you know. I'm trying for you. I wanna be your supporto-girl."

Xander looked down at her and smiled. "I guess I should be happy that I have the strongest girl in the world on my side."

"Sadly I'm no longer the strongest girl in the world. Now they're girls all over the world who have just as much physical strength as me."

"I wasn't talking about physical strength."

Buffy smiled up at him. She brushed some stray hair off his forehead and her fingers traced the top outline of his eye patch.

"I'm sorry." She whispered to him.

Xander looked on confused. "For what?"

"For this. I hate this thing with a passion," she said while her hand lingered on his patch.

"That makes the two of us but still, not your fault."

"I'm sorry for everything."

"Again not your fault."

"I'm still sorry though. I don't want you to hurt. Literally or emotionally. I'm sorry for not noticing it before and that it took Andrew of all people to point it out to me. I'm sorry I haven't been the friend that you deserve." Buffy's voice was starting to wobble and she felt a lump form in her throat but she was determined to get this out.

"Buff…"

"No, shh." She sniffed while tears rolled down her face. "You're my best friend Xander. Always have been, always will be. You're always by my side in every battle I face. No matter how big or small the battle is, you're there. Now it's my turn. You've lost a lot Xander but you've gotta know that you haven't lost me."

Xander looked down at her and swallowed the lump in his throat. He gave her a small smile and kissed the top of her forehead.

Buffy stuck her arm under his and silently took his hand into hers. She laid her head down onto his shoulder and he rested his on top of hers. They sat in comfortable silence.

After a moment Xander smiled and said, "Now about that tag team duo, is there any chance that spandex will be involved?"

Buffy just smiled and squeezed Xander's hand. Sleep soon found both of them as the Sunnydale High School bus rolled on into the night.

**The end.**


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